By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 5 December 2014
With a view of Myer’s Park from a room at the Quest Hotel, Upper Street, on the fringes of Auckland’s Central Gambling District, Metiria Turei recounts how she gave the New Zealand economy’s current prime minister, John Phillip Key, a ‘new look’ to get him through the repercussions of the Dirty Politics scandal.
According to Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei, she gave John Key “a new creation” as they consummated their Political Sex Partnership (PSP) with various positions from the bible of sex, the Karma Sutra, in the capital city’s Botanical Gardens. Turei told of how she showed Key that he had various looks that were his ‘tells’ that give away he is lying. The ‘Queen of Green’ says she taught him a new one, that she calls ‘Blue Steely Resolve’.
“I showed him what his various lying faces looks like. There’s his ‘Squinchy Nose Face’ that he uses to downplay something important”, said Turei.
“John also does his classic ‘I Can’t Recall Face’ that has become his staple to get him through answering the ‘what did you know when’ questions” from annoying reporters, that Turei says the prime minister wishes he could zap out of existence with his eyes.
“And then there’s his really silly one, Aah, I’d Have to Check with My Office Face’, when the ‘I Can’t Recall Face’ doesn’t work with the pesky reporters. It turns out John picked up this look from Wallace from Wallace and Grommit fame”, said Turei with a broad grin.
“A very manipulative one he pulls is the ‘Most Muggles and Hobbits Face’ when he’s deploy a line that he wants people to repeat as though it’s their own informed opinion”.
“A variant of the ‘Most Muggles and Hobbits Face’ is his ‘My Feeling Is Face’, to sucker people into believing that John Key cares about them, while maintaining a relaxed appearance.”
“And finally, there’s his ‘At the End of the Day Face’ which he uses, like so many Muggles and Hobbits, before he deploys a position statement he wants others to agree with”, said Turei. “You hear it a lot in corporate and government meetings, seminar functions and at BBQs where no one has the confidence to say anything radical about the status quo.”
Turei explained to Key that his Lying Faces were becoming so well known, that he risked them being ranked the highest on Google Images. Being an ex-London and Wall Street banker, a profession that relies on tricking bundles of suckers every millisecond, Key immediately saw the value learning a new ‘game face’. Key’s Mr Nice Guy had taken a hit during the Dirty Politics scandal and he knew he was lucky to have made it through the election, in part because the electorate had voted for a government, something the political parties of left seemed unable to deliver.
Key’s National Party (AKA Brand Key) had pursued a ‘two-track’ communications strategy to quite literally undermine ‘democracy’ and was blown wide-open with the exposé, Dirty Politics: How attack politics is poisoning New Zealand’s political environment just six weeks out from recent election. “The key to the National Party’s strategists’ hidden agenda was to outsource dirty political attacks to right-wing blog-sites, such as Whale Oil and Kiwiblog”, said Turei.
“Those of us in politics could see after the National Party machine trounced ‘the left’ in the election that it would be a matter of time before the Dirty Politics Scandal came back to bite John Key and other insiders in the arse”.
Turei had an epiphany that National’s core voters are ‘Know Nothing New Zealanders’ who are comprised of three broad groups. “They are constituted from three core groups: recent immigrants who know nothing about New Zealand’s history; conservative people who get their information only from the mainstream media; and young people who have zoned-out on popular culture”, she says. “I could see that many would stop supporting National, but also that big corporates would hate working with a political left that keeps wanting to make them pay their way, whether it be for living wages or environmental sustainability”, Turei added.
The Greens co-leader said she told Key that the Blue Steely Resolve Face would make him appear sincere, assertive and firm with one look. “He said he didn’t care for sincere or assertive, but said he could get excited about firm because you could make truckloads of cash from a firm and women like men most when they’re firm”, Turei recalls giggling.
Evidently, Key came around to seeing the benefit of pulling off a look that hid his lying better. “So, I showed John his various Lying Faces while we did the Seduction Karma Sutra sex position. Then I showed him the Blue Steely Resolve Face while we did the Fantastic Rocking Horse position and then John practiced it as we did the Splitting Bamboo.”
“Look, let’s be clear”, said John Key, “our Party’s core voters are really naïve. The Blue Steely Resolve Face, which I have filed for a trademark, gives the impression that I’m being sincere, assertive and firm all at once. It’s a useful crisis management tool, especially when I’m under attack for the consmearacy to undermine democracy.”
In the wake of two official probes into the Dirty Politics scandal, New Zealand’s prime minister has been under pressure to severe his links to one of the right-wing bloggers, Cameron Slater, whose Whale Oil blog has received most public scrutiny. “We still can’t quite believe that our core voters – ‘Know Nothing New Zealanders’ – haven’t yet worked out that our strategy to outsource of Dirty Political attacks to right-wing bloggers, was intended to leave my Mr Nice Guy image untarnished,” said Key.
“This is even after John Campbell saying to me on the tele two days after the election that Dirty Political attacks benefit right-wing parties such as National because in a Dirty Political environment left-wing voters are turned off from voting first. I was actually honest and said yes because it was too risky to say no.” Key said he was relieved “the suckers” agreed to a pre-recorded interview for the Campbell Live show because he knew the lefty Campbell would be feeling dejected.
“I watched the interview that night”, Turei chimed in, “and even then, the New Zealand public didn’t collectively say ‘WTF!’ It’s like they’re waiting for lefty media missionaries like John Campbell to say ‘get your pitch forks people’. That’s when I realized there was a longer game going on, and lefty media missionaries like Campbell would soon recover.”
Turei says she could see that the Labour Party would remain screwed until it found the balls to purge itself of the right-wingers that occupy some of its leadership. And with the Internet-Mana Party coalition failing to get into Parliament, the Green Party co-leader could see that the political left had failed to think, act and speak strategically to be the next government. Turei resolved to forge a merger between the Key’s Neoliberal Team Blue and her Neoliberal Team Green.
“It’s genius really”, said Key excitedly. “Jumping Metiria’s bones has made me see that pro-corporate people like me can fuck the green movement and make ‘em feel great about it at the same time.”
Metiria Turei chuckled. “I love his humour. It’s soo jocky and calculatingly businesslike at the same time.”
“So, as I was saying – and I love to talk for ages – so disregard the news reports where I’ve said my chats with right-wing blogger Cameron Slater were brief – hell no”, continued Key. “Where was I again?” he said as I gave the Lasso of Truth a flick to reset it.
“With our Political Sex Partnership, big business can get its rocks off on a sustainable growth buzz, engorged by fresh green blood who are happy to peddle the belief that a ‘smart’ economy will somehow be ecologically sound, good for general prosperity and lead to world peace”, said New Zealand’s prime minister as he guffawed. “It’s a win-win for everyone who is in the belief business, whether they are politicians, pulpit pawns, financial wizards, or media missionaries for capitalism and its successor hi-tech bureaucracy – a technocracy.”
Professor of International Criminal Law at Auckland University Dr. David Lynchman said it was “astonishing” that the world’s environment and social justice movements had not put together the bigger pieces of the “Empire puzzle”. Lynchman added, “It’s like they’re politically and economically autistic”.
When Lynchman learned that Turei claimed she had identified National’s core voting block were ‘Know Nothing New Zealanders’, he burst into laughter. “I told her that. I also tried to tell her about how a secret network of ‘deep state’ actors are planning to replace capitalism with a more formidable form of social control, a hi-tech bureaucracy, known as technocracy. I said it would be like a fusion of Bladerunner, Brave New World, Nineteen Eighty-four, Neuromancer, THX-1138, and Jennifer Government. She stopped listening when I said the environment movement was being manipulated with the lure of hi-tech Smart Green technologies, and said I must be dumb because smart meant un-dumb”.
I asked John Key if he had ever given any serious thought to being a truly ballsy Prime Minister by doing things like redistributing wealth to resourcing communities so that they could develop their own self-reliant, sustainable economies. Key replied, “Nup”.
And I realized that Key has another face, that I’ve called ‘Key’s Stumped Chump Face’ that he also uses to feign ignorance. It is just like the one Santa Claus pulled when pretended he did not know how he got to be so filthy rich when he was forced to testify before a United Nations’ Ways and Means Committee in 2013.
As I finished the interview, I asked the Aqua couple if they had anything they wished to add. Turei suddenly blushed, became girly and snuggled into Key’s embrace. Key grinned like a geeky schoolboy stoked to be getting some.
“You remember how he said his prime minister’s salary was going to a charity?” asked Metiria. I nodded slowly. “The charity is a family trust with a charitable tax-exempt status”. I dropped my jaw as though it worse than the Greens deciding it was too hard to seriously educate people about the ecological disasters facing the planet, the health impacts of environmental toxins, and who the key perpetrators are, but easier to look mainstream to win votes.
Key looked up from Turei and said, admittedly under the influence of Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth and Forgetfulness, that he would use his prime minister’s salary to found a School for Blokes Who Don’t Recall Too Good.
Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues. Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer, a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News http://snoopman.net.nz
See the Press Conferences of John Key and Metiria Turei at: Behind the Secret Aqua Love Affair (Full Transcript) http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=2504