New Zealand Minister of Energy & Resources ‘Educates’ Green Movement in Response to Being Teased for Downplaying Petroleum Exploration Plans in Native Forest
By Iggy Swind, 11 April 2014.
New Zealand Minister of Energy & Resources Simon Bridges’ stunned a full New Zealand House of Representatives on Friday morning when he upped-the-ante in reaction to a social media campaign calling for him to be fired. Bridges gave a short emotive speech in which he appeared to be mocking the Green movement.
Bridges, who has incensed environmentalists over incremental encroachments to environmental protections in favour of mining and oil corporations, boasted to the House, “once we’ve destroyed the planet’s ecological systems, we, the Planet’s Corporate Fuck-knuckles, can have a collective … I think hippies call it a ‘reeulization’ [sic] … that our piles of plastic money were never going to be very edible.”
The concerns were raised by Green party co-leader Dr. Russell Norman following questioning from TV3 News reporter Brook Sabin that revealed that the New Zealand Minister of Energy & Resources was unable to name a 200,000 hectare area of forest park, Victoria Forest Park, that is now being offered for petroleum exploration, even though he had signed off on the ‘block offer’.
The social media campaign has been led by the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand, the Forest and Bird Protection Society, and Greenpeace.
Mr. Bridges stated in the House, “Mr. Speaker, I need to inform Forest and Bird, Greenpeace and the Green Party ov A-o-tea-a-row-a Nu Zillun that protecting the planet’s ecology IS ‘emotive claptrap’”. After an extended period of angry interjections from all the Green Party members, Mr. Bridges continued, “Need I educate that we need to destroy the Earth’s living systems as quickly as possible, so that we can fight over the last hydroponic-certified lettuce, the last intensively farmed salmon and the last trickle-down drop of WHO-approved polluted water”. [SEE: Full Transcript below].
According to several politicians present, it seemed evident that Bridges was mocking the Green Party and goading its members to react to his provocations regarding the threat of industrial activity in unspoiled natural habitats.
But, when Simon Bridges interrupted his own motion to sit-down after he finished his speech, the member for the Tauranga electorate added that he expected everyone to obey his “Simon Says Powers”.
No one said a word in response.
Even Green’s co-leader Dr. Russell Norman, who’s questioning one day prior had prompted Bridges to accuse his ‘debating opponent’ of purveying “emotive clap-trap”, was stunned and could be seen on the parliamentary TV tape mouthing the word “F U C K”, ever so slowly. Since no one could think of anything to say, the House session ended.
According to the Chief Warden of the Annals of Parliamentary Proceedings Erwin Dhoorwedge, a ‘words failing’ event has never happened in a full house of government anytime in recorded history.
“It’s was a stunner. Not only for the clanker Bridges uttered, which was remarkably hilarious for all the reasons that would make earnest parents thankful for their luck. But, also for the universal shock on all the members faces”, said Dhoorwedge as he bent to pick up a thick book that he had wedged in a security door in the corridor so that he could move about without being tracked by the Parliamentary Office of Information Retrieval.
Now inside his book-lined office, Dhoorwedge continued as he focused a telescope that was pointed out an open window and aimed so that he could read a rare book left surreptitiously open on a stand near a window at the National Library, across Molesworth Street, one hundred metres away. He was in the middle of reading this rare volume, called Freemasonry in the Antipodes: A Study of Masonic Power Upon New Zealand from Captain James Cook’s Circumnavigation of Heathen Savage-Inhabited Lands to the Erection of John Logan Campbell’s Obelisk (1869-1940), when I rang to view the parliamentary TV tape. Evidently, the head parliamentary historian felt that going to elaborate lengths to circumvent the state surveillance apparatus was necessary since Sunday Star-Times journalist Andrea Vance’s movements in parliament were tracked for three months in 2013 on the Prime Minister’s watch.
“You can see on the Parliament TV, after about five seconds, Prime Minister John Key and Minister of Finance Bill English both look at each other and are torn between sniggering and keeping poker-faced,” Dhoorwedge said as he peered into the telescope. The senior historian was reading about the ‘Father of Auckland’ John Logan Campbell, and his time as a trustee and a director of the Bank of New Zealand during the New Zealand Wars, when ‘the Bank’ was busy brokering loans to finance the British Empire’s conquest of their most far-flung and moderately difficult colony. Dhoorwedge pulled on a thick piece of organically-grown hemp string that disappeared into a hole in the floor and ran underground to the National Library, where it rang a bell to prompt a librarian to casually turn the page of Freemasonry in the Antipodes.
The video of the Parliament TV recording, which keeps getting pulled down from YouTube, shows the members of the New Zealand Parliament avoiding eye contact with Simon Bridges as he blazed a trail for the fire-fearing wooden doors.
“The House fell silent, as everyone realized he was serious”, said Dr. Norman. “We were like possums staring at the headlights of a big oil truck coming through the forest at night,” he continued, as he looked out at the view of New Zealand’s capital city, Wellington, from the roof of the government’s Beehive building.
Dr. Norman attached wings, made of harakeke (New Zealand flax) and bamboo to his arms, which were designed to emulate the wings of the extinct Pouakai or giant New Zealand eagle. He added, “What Simon said spooked us, because we’ve already seen him instigate the outlawing of protest at sea, within half a kilometre of offshore rigs, under Prime Minister Key’s watch.”
As he flapped his wing-clad arms, Norman said pensively, “Think about it, New Zealand wouldn’t be a nuclear-free jurisdiction if the anti-nuclear movement weren’t able to harass US ships and subs visiting here”. With that, Dr. Norman jumped off the roof and flew like a hungry bird of prey over the parliament grounds to make a lunchtime appointment at Paekakariki School, where the children were eager to skite about the organic orchard and vegetable garden.
Meanwhile .. Bridges blazed a trail through Victoria Park forest on the South Island’s West Coast, burning bridges behind him as he searched for oil. This reckless action angered the grumpy green forest giant, Tane-nuinui.
Bridges regained his composure and called out, “You have to obey my authority, I’ve got Simon Says Powers! If there’s any spills from the drilling, you have to lick them up.” Tane-nuinui broke off a tree limb and swang it at Bridges. “Be a good forest giant!” shouted Bridges. As he stepped backward to turn and run, Bridge pointed up at the sky, hoping to trick Tane-nuinui into looking at where he was pointing. “Hey look, there’s an alien mother ship!” And with that, Bridges ran for his life back along the smouldering trail.
American journalist Iggy Swind has worked alongside reporter Clark Kent at the Daily Planet and photojournalist Peter Parker at the Daily Bugle. Swind’s investigations proved both super-heroes work undercover for the Hollywood media cartel to distract mass audiences with their mediocre ‘saving the world’ action sagas, while leaving the psychopaths that actually run the world at-large. Swind’s investigations have been suppressed.
Full-Transcript of Simon Bridges’ Speech, 11 April 2014
“The Honorable Member for the Tauranga Electorate, Simon Bridges”.
“Mr. Speaker, I need to inform Forest and Bird, Greenpeace and the Greens that protecting the planet’s ecology IS ‘emotional claptrap’. [The House erupts with angry interjections especially from Green Party members]. Need I educate that we need to destroy the Earth’s living systems as quickly as possible, so that we can fight over the last hydroponic-certified lettuce, the last intensively farmed salmon and the last trickle-down drop of WHO-approved polluted water.
Fighting is good for economic growth. Just ask the American armaments industry. They find no shortage of markets every year. [Prime Minister John Key and Finance Minister Bill English chuckle].
Mr. Speaker, once we’ve destroyed the planet’s ecological systems, we, the Planet’s Corporate Fuck-knuckles, can have a collective … I think hippies call it a ‘reeulization’ [sic] … that our piles of plastic money were never going to be very edible. And Mr. Speaker, we don’t G.A.S. (or Give a Shit, for long). [Bridges guffaws and various National Party drongos join him].
As a footnote for posterity, see that native American chief dude who said something about the last fush [sic] dying in the polluted rivers and then something also about white man’s money on poster’s in sissy lefty toilets. [More guffawing]. See my website in case you don’t know any sissy lefties. Seriously, it’s themed with black humour: http://www.simon-bridges.co.nz/
I yield the remaining time I have to the House, owned by our visiting landlords, the Windsor Whanau.
And I expect everyone to obey my Simon Says Powers”.
The New Zealand parliament’s Office of Records of Members’ Debates, Childish Behaviour and Soap-Box Rants, which publishes such proceedings in Hansard, posted an image on its web page next to a video link of Simon Bridge’s rant, before both were removed by order of the Parliamentary Office of Information Retrieval. The image read, “You are the result of 4 billion years of evolutionary success. Fucking act like it.”
Hansard‘s editor also posted a note on the Office of Records of Members’ Debates, Childish Behaviour and Soap-Box Rants Facebook page, but the posting was subsequently blocked by the social media giant. However, Snoopman News transcribed the posting before it was censored by unofficial means. The Hansard‘s editor note that was viewable until it was gone sometime just prior to lunchtime, Friday 11 2014 read:
[Hansard Editor’s Note: Do not expect the ‘Honorable’ member for Tauranga to know that the smarty-pants word for realization is ‘epiphany’. Should anyone delude oneself that Mr. Bridges will ever, ever have an epiphany, we advise that you become a news anchor on One Network News, where mistaken beliefs are reproduced everyday for its gullible news audience. Indeed, evolution, like geology, works in longer timescales. Additionally, because we live in an era where we have the ‘right mux’ [sic] of democracy, or Just Right Democracy (for branding purposes), Westminster-style governments like New Zealand’s are perfectly adapted to absorb ill-strategized social movements that fail to wrest ownership and control of large tracts of land and other resources from oligarchs, such as the Windsors and vast transnational corporations. State power is based on the continuous suppression of wealth redistribution. Thus, it is not only Mr. Bridges who needs to have an epiphany, but also those he rebukes].
RELATED: SEE the ‘FUCK-YOU’ MEME (#FuckYouMeme) in this satirical video on Upworthy at http://www.upworthy.com/we-hate-earth?g=2